I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
