my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you win again, gameday.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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