I need to stop coming to work sober
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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