I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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