I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
