Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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