my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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