New low: just hacked my moms facebook
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just want nice things and good sex
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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