My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
