This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
