nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
