the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i think i have two assholes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
