Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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