I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
