Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
