First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
