Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
