dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
