I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
