I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
