We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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