I don't usually arrange sex via text message
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
