Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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