Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
