areolas are like halos for boobs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
