New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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