Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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