Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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