3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
