Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
