Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
