she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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