Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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