I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
