I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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