i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
