Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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