wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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