is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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