I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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