i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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