I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
