Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
