"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
