My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
