Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
