haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
