I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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