how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
