i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
