You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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