The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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