i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
