I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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