why didn't you poke me back
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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