You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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